Shuffle Saturday: Depression is NOT a dirty word

*This post is very personal and descriptive. It took a lot of energy to write...and come to terms with my own emotions. But if I help just one woman out there, it's worth it. 

I'll admit it. For awhile there, I always thought that people who suffered from depression were "weak". Just pull yourself up and deal with it, I would think. And then it happened to me. But I didn't recognize the signs.

My husband was called to Iraq with his medical unit 1 month after our wedding. Our son was getting ready to turn one. I found myself a new mother, newly married and dealing with my husband being gone for 18 months. It was tough. I moved in with my sister in law and her partner to help me with our little guy and dealing with the fact my new husband was gone.

I was working full time, volunteering as the Co-Chair of the Polk County Republicans, raising a toddler and worrying about my husband overseas--making sure to send him a package at least once a week and staying up until 2 in the morning on some days in order to chat with him online...knowing I could only talk to him, online, every other day at the most.

It was tough. And I was depressed. But I put on a happy face. I had to. I knew that my husband was going through so much more overseas and I had to be strong for everyone else. Strong for our little boy, strong for my mother in law...strong. I had to, as I put it, "put my big girl panties on, suck it up and deal with it." But I was depressed. REALLY depressed. I didn't want to feel.

A husband coming home is great but there's a lot of re-adjusting to be done. He didn't return to work right away and that irritated me. So I was being the only bread-winner, taking the kid to daycare and shortly after he came back, was pregnant again. I knew he needed time to adjust to civilian life and he did end up getting a full time job, but quite often he wanted "his time". I didn't even know what alone time was anymore.

After our second son was born I had really bad postpartum depression.  REALLY bad. But again, I didn't allow myself to admit I was depressed. I was tough. I survived a deployment. Depression just means I'm not busy enough, right?

When our second baby was 6 months old, I became pregnant again. I was nursing and never cycled so I didn't know it for another three months. I was really tired but figured that was just because I was working 40+ hours a week, nursing a 6 month old and taking care of our three year old. On a checkup at the Dr, he asked if I could be pregnant. "Of course not. I'm nursing," was my naive response. I was already far enough along we could hear the heartbeat. I surprised my husband that night with a video from the Dr. congratulating us on our baby.

After our third son was born this July, depression was really taking hold. How could I continue to work? How could we afford THREE in daycare? How can we make ends meet? How, how, how? We decided it would be best for me to stay at home and work on my writing skills to help make ends meet. My husband was climbing the ranks at work pretty quickly but this also meant crazy schedules leaving me to, at points, make all three meals for the kids (while nursing the baby), getting the oldest to preschool etc etc. It was all too much.

I finally had a candid talk with my Dr. He was actually the one who told me he was writing a script for Zoloft. Again, I didn't want to admit I was depressed. I was just going through a lot of changes. I was finding myself "unemployed" for the first time in 15 years. He insisted.

I always thought of postpartum depression as the women in the news. The people who drown their babies. The ones who drive their cars in lakes. That wasn't me. I was fine. I was just stressed.

After the medication started to work, it was then that I realized he was right. I was depressed. I began to remember what it felt like to be normal. To be really happy. To laugh. To play with my kids...and enjoy it.

Depression is NOT a dirty word. It is not something you can just work, wish or will away. It is a serious medical condition. If you feel that you can relate to this, please check out the list of symptoms on WebMD and speak with your family Doctor. You can't be the best for your family if you aren't taking care of yourself.